By TOM CHESEK

If you see just one spider-themed stage production this season, let it be Charlotte’s Web.

Actually, that’s not fair to everyone’s favorite wallopin’ websnapper, Spider-man, who’s facing more than his usual share of adversity as he struggles to get his $60 million-plus  Broadway baby swinging. But if you’re on the lookout for something to take the kids to here in December — something a little different from the usual figgy pudding — there’s a fine family outing ready to serve, and it’s as close as your friendly neighborhood professional theater.

Aysan Celik channels Charlotte the Spider, and Doug Hara gets in touch with his inner Templeton, as CHARLOTTE’S WEB continues onstage through January 2.

Now onstage at Red Bank’s Two River Theater, Charlotte’s Web combines the quiet power and good-humored wonder of E.B. White’s classic novel for young readers with the trademark technical savvy of the Two River Theater Company (and by “technical” we mean just the right dollop of special effects, a whole lot of puppet power, and a great deal of human resources).

The production, under the direction of Philly-based Matt Pfeiffer, opened officially last Saturday night, having been advanced with a month-long One Book, One Community promotion — a kid-friendly campaign of book, craft and movie events that continues Thursday evening with a 6:30p reading by TRTC founding father Bob Rechnitz at NovelTeas. For the duration of the show’s engagement — running through January 2 with a handful of holidays off — the folks at the Bridge Avenue performing arts space are also asking attendees to donate items to a pet food drive, for the benefit of the animals sheltered at the Monmouth County SPCA.

In Joseph Robinette’s stage adaptation of Charlotte’s, it’s the animals in their matter-of-fact wit and wondrous wisdom who carry the day, although the human characters are very nice, if ever so slightly clueless. It’s a great troupe of players that brings Farmer Zuckerman’s barnyard bestiary to life, aided by a set of custom-crafted hand puppet creations by Aaron Cromie.

The designer, whose sad and funny puppet people brought a new dimension to Two River’s extraordinary 2007 production of Our Town, opts here for simpler creatures of foam that are voiced and manipulated (as components of Lisa Zinni‘s costumes) by a cast that includes Garrett Neergaard as Wilbur, the sincere little pig who’s spared from the butcher block thanks to the timely intervention and miraculous talents of barn spider Charlotte (gracefully performed by Aysan Celik).

Nearly making off with the show as wily Templeton the Rat is frequent Two River actor Doug Hara, who starred as Charlie Brown for director Pfeiffer last year and who excelled in the Cromie-ized Our Town. The agile Hara’s furtive rodent (who could teach the powers that be a thing or two about the art of the deal) made an immediate hit with the youngest members of the audience — as did bushy-bearded, bellowing John Ahlin (from Broadway’s Journey’s End and Waiting for Godot), whose flabbergasted “freakouts” as Mr. Zuckerman are chased with his turns as an elder sheep and a rather large hog.

Also keeping pace with the accomplished adults in the cast are a pair of younger Monmouth County actors — Rachel Brudner of Howell as Wilbur’s sympathetic farm-girl friend Fern, and 13-year-old Rumsonite Matt Hughes (who’s performed previously at Two River, as well as with Rockit For Kids at the Basie) as her brother Avery.

Boasting a multi-level set by David P. Gordon and some nifty animated projections by Justin Smiley, Charlotte’s Web does its job on what is surely a microscopic fraction of Spidey’s supersized budget. But at the heart of this smart, non-preachy “children’s show” is a tale that has much to say about life in all its various delights and cruelties, and about friendships that take shape even where you barely realize what just happened. At the very least, you’ll learn a lot about pigs, spiders and such — and you can reserve tickets by taking it here.

Adding to the recent excitement at TRTC is the arrival of a new associate artistic director (editor and communications specialist Stephanie Coen), who was present at the building’s black-box Marion Huber Theater last Thursday for a preview of an ambitious new series. A group of students and alumni of the Musical Theater Writing program at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts (including Tony winner B.D. Wong, who fans of Law and Order Special Victims Unit will recognize as police psychologist Dr. Huang) performed a selection of alternately funny and moving songs from eleven musical works in progress, among them a new take on A Clockwork Orange and the fact-based frontier tale The Ballad of Little Jo.

The brainchild of TRTC’s artistic director John Dias, the projected series of staged reading workshop events will partner with the Tisch program to develop new and unseen works for the stage, and present them publicly for the first time here in Red Bank. A formal schedule, slated to begin in January 2011, will be announced right after the holidays if not sooner — and chances are good you’ll read it here first on redbankgreen.

By TOM CHESEK

Some pig. Some spider. Some weekend.

Even the most industrious of arachnids has nothing on the folks over at the Two River Theater this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, as the Bridge Avenue performing arts center continues the ongoing engagement of the just-opened Opus inside the mainstage Rechnitz auditorium.

Meanwhile, over in their black-box Marion Huber space, they’ll be hosting the acclaimed one-actor show Namaste Man as the first in a new series of Flashes of Brilliance solo pieces. Then on Sunday, between the hours of 10a and noon, the lobby reception area comes alive with area families in the keynote event to a sprawlingly spider-friendly campaign called One Book, One Community.

That book, if you haven’t guessed, is Charlotte’s Web, the classic novel for young readers by E. B. White (memorably illustrated by Garth Williams) that employed such unusual spokescritters as pigs, rats and spiders on the way to saying some valuable things about loyalty and friendship.

Dakota Fanning and a young porker in the 2006 film adaptation of ‘Charlotte’s Web.’ (Click to enlarge)

Still in print after nearly 60 years, the book’s been the basis for cartoons, feature films and — beginning December 7 — an all new people-and-puppets stage adaptation that serves as Two River Theater Company’s annual year-end family show.

One whole month before that, however, Two River kicks off a program designed to “unite the area through community discussion, literacy education and arts events,” by getting a copy of Charlotte’s into the hands of everyone who loves the story. And on Sunday morning, the book will be in the hands of one very enthusiastic reader, Red Bank mayor Pasquale Menna.

Hizzoner the Mayor is scheduled to read selections from Charlotte’s Web at Sunday’s party, an event that further features games, snacks, crafts and dress-up photo ops. November 7 also marks the start of a Pet Food Drive campaign at Two River (in collaboration with the Monmouth County 4-H) that continues through January 2, 2011 — with all collected items donated to the Monmouth County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

After that, TRTC will be partnering with an A-team of local nonprofits (including the borough-based Monmouth County Arts Council), businesses and libraries to celebrate Charlotte, Wilbur and friends through storytimes, movie screenings, arts and crafts, discussion groups and discounts at participating retailers. Attendees at the various events (a rundown of which is below) will also be eligible to win a family four-pack of tickets to see the stage show during its run, which continues through January 2.

CHARLOTTE’S WEB movie screenings. The 2006 live action/CGI filmization — featuring Julia Roberts as the voice of Charlotte, and Rumson-based character ace Siobhan Fallon Hogan as Mrs. Zuckerman — screens for free at several area libraries, including Middletown Township Public Library (Thursday November 11 at 2p); the Eastern Branch of the Monmouth County Library in Shrewsbury (Saturday November 20 at 2p); and the Children’s Room at the Red Bank Public Library (Monday November 29 at 5:30p; preceded by a book discussion).

Savings, and a place to put them. Fair Haven’s River Road Books and downtown cornerstone Funk and Standard are offering “great deals when you purchase a copy of Charlotte’s Web,” from this Sunday through December 23. Then on Friday, November 12, A Time to Kiln in Red Bank invites Wilbur fans of all ages to “Paint Your Own Pig Bank,” with studio fee waived between 4 and 7p and “a special discount given on all piggy banks.”

More library fun with Charlotte and Wilbur. The Children’s Room at the Red Bank Public Library offers a Bilingual Storytime reading of selections from Charlotte’s Web for English and Spanish speaking kids of all ages (Saturday November 13 at 1p); a special Charlotte-oriented Storytime and Craft Workshop is offered to 4 and 5 year olds at Middletown Township Public Library (Thursday December 9 at 3:45p), and young residents of Fair Haven can “participate in a pig project” in a Pigs & Spiders & Rats Oh My! program at Fair Haven Member Library (Tuesday December 7 at 3:15p). Due to limited space, this last one’s open only to FH families, and advance registration is required.

Also on the agenda are various free public events at the libraries in Howell, Oceanport, Ocean Township and West Long Branch. The One Book, One Community Facebook page has the updates, as well as additional information on how to participate, and reservations for Sunday’s party can be made by calling the TRTC box office at (732)345-1400.

Just as you can’t have a civilization without sewage, you can’t have a First Amendment without having to put up with the likes of Ann Coulter.

Yesterday, the conservative sump pump appeared on the today show in a little black dress to flog a new book. In the process, she called some of the widows of Sept. 11 “broads” who are “enjoying their husband’s deaths.” Jennifer Braun of the Star-Ledger has a page-one piece on this in today’s paper. The Washington Post quotes Coulter as saying in the book, “I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much.”

According to the Daily News, the book contains this gem:

“And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren’t planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they’d better hurry up and appear in Playboy…”

One of the women Coulter attacks is Kristen Breitweiser, who was living in the Navesink section of Middletown when her husband, Ronald, was killed, leaving her with a young daughter. According to the Ledger, Breitweiser now lives in New York City. Two others, Lori Van Auken and Mindy Kleinberg, both of East Brunswick, are referred to in the book as “the witches of East Brunswick.”

As many people familiar with the story of the so-called ‘Jersey Girls’ know, Breitweiser, Van Auken, Kleinberg and a fourth area woman, Patty Casazza of Colts Neck, were political naifs, and strangers to one another, when their husbands were killed at the World Trade Center. Weeks after the attacks, they joined forces to push for an investigation into why the attacks hadn’t been prevented. The Bush Administration fought the idea of a probe for months, but eventually folded. The result was the Kean Commission inquiry and report.

The basis for Coulter’s gripe with the women, she told Matt Lauer, is that she is “not allowed to respond” to the women’s critiques of the administration “without questioning the authenticity of their grief.” And yet, here she is, questioning the authenticity of their grief and doing so with all the tact of a plugged-up toilet.

“Having my husband burn alive in a building brought me no joy,” Van Auken told the News.

“I’d like her to meet my daughter and tell her how anyone could enjoy their father’s death,” Breitweiser told the News. “She sounds like a very disturbed, unraveled person.”

Ah, the poor, misunderstood Hummer H2.

OK, so it gets 10 mpg in the city, and can’t quite fit into a parking space. But it does have "water fording" capabilities. According to the official Hummer website, "The H2 can ford an impressive 20 inches of water with the throttle in 4LO locked."

So what a shame that this little piggy was confined to a tight space at the corner of Broad and Front on a recent afternoon without a puddle in sight. Then again, the Navesink is just a block or so away. That couldn’t be more than 20 inches deep, right?